In 2014, I had gastric bypass and my life radically changed. Most of my excess weight lifted within a year. The changes were drastic. Being alive was unbelievably easier. I could breathe, but I was devastated to learn I had no idea who I was.

Fear quickly filled the space where my body had been. My walls were gone. I did not know how to respond to others. I often reacted as if I were still in a bigger body. I felt unsafe. I was angry.

For years, I believed I had to atone for having been big, occupying space, food I was eating, and merely for existing. I wanted to disappear. I leveraged my past as reason why I should not trust others or myself. I was afraid I would lose control, lose my breath, and lose my life.

It is difficult for me to believe these are my self-portraits. The images feel distant and unrecognizable. Depersonalization is a defense I use to avoid pain, but avoiding pain forces me to keep it. That is not a key to good living.

I started Self-Untitled to help alleviate shame I held for my body, build connection, and humanize myself to others. That is still true, but now, self-portraiture is a way I process life. It is a daily conversation and practice of self reflection and acceptance. It is also a reminder that I deserve to take up space.

I do not need to apologize for my existence.